MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Somebody Else

I keep sleeping.  I can’t get anything done when I sleep my life away.  I woke up at 11pm after sleeping for 16 hours.  Now all I can do is sit here and cry.  Not like before where it was just a little bit and then I felt better.  This is the kind of cry that doesn't stop.  For every hypomanic episode I must expect a depressive episode yet I never do.

This feels more intense than it has before.  Normally I just cry for a day and then I feel better towards the end of the day.  This time I want the world to disappear.  This time I feel like I want to die.  What’s the point of being alive when I have to live with this disorder?  What’s the point of being alive when my mind tortures me constantly?  What’s the point of being alive when I’m slowly going insane and will probably off myself by the time I’m 60?

 I know I won’t feel like this tomorrow but I’ll feel like this again and again and again through the rest of my life.  Another day will come where I feel like I’d rather float out to sea than be bothered by everything and everyone around me.  Another day will come where I feel as if I have fallen into a hole and I’m watching everyone around me wishing I could be anyone else. 

I’d love to be somebody who’s at least slightly sane.  Somebody who isn't a step away from being a hermit because their mind has kidnapped them.  Somebody whose life is actually eventful rather than the highlight of the week being that I went to the fucking Wal-Mart and didn't have a panic attack.  Somebody who isn't afraid of most things around them.  Somebody who isn't afraid of themselves.  Somebody who isn't ashamed of themselves and their own feelings.  Somebody who doesn't have to hide what they feel from everybody and then be embarrassed when they slip up and cry in front of somebody because they learned not to show emotions and weakness.  Somebody else.

 I guess days like these will always come back, I just hope I learn how to deal with it better.
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Location: Dwight, IL, USA

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