They told me "write something everybody wants to hear about" "write something everybody is talking about" "write about politics". I choose to write what I know and it's something I know all too well.
Sunday night I had spent too much time on the computer as I often do and had many things to do the next day...well that day as it had passed Sunday night and turned into early Monday morning. I decided I would just stay up and leave early for the errands I was to run that day. It felt like a good start (as most bad days do) until halfway to my destination I realized had forgotten the clothes I was going to donate to Goodwill. I don't have enough gas or money for gas to bring them back so they will have to sit there. So I get to the store and find that all the handicap spots are taken and the only place left to park is way in the back by the loading bay "MOTHER FUCKERS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SPOTS!" So I park 50ft from the store doors and hobble my way up there.....by the time I got there I was in so much pain and so mad I wanted to just leave....and I should have after what came next....
Yesterday afternoon I awoke at four pm to "We have cigarettes" (I had used the last of our money to buy some really cheap ones neither of us cared to smoke for the nasty taste). I waved my hand in dismissal as if I didn't care. I did care...I was more than glad to have cigarettes of my brand. My fiancee scooted close to me as there was obviously something amiss with my demeanor. I started crying as if I would never stop, th tears flowing from my eyes like a river and then came the words sobbing with every sentence I spoke. "There was too many! There was too many people in the store!! I started screaming at them! They were everywhere and I started screaming at them!!" I didn't tell him what I was actually screaming at them although he would have understood because he is one of the few people who TRULY understands me. What I was screaming must have seemed to the people in the store as if I were a crazed woman and sometimes I feel so: "Get the fuck away from me!" "Why won't you people move?!" "Must every person in the store be in the same aisle at the same time FUCK!" "Will you move?? Fuck! All I want to do is get out of the fucking store!!" "Must everybody stand in front of the doors so I CANT! GET! OUT!?!" Then of course once I got outside and started hobbling towards my car 50ft away I screamed out "FUCK!!!" As I got near to my car a woman asked me if I was leaving and although all she wanted was my spot I snidely replied "yesssssssssssss I am". As we are vegetarians I also didn't tell him about my stop at Burger King on the way home to get some chicken fingers. I did tell him about the cabbie behind me as I was at the light going to get on the highway that takes me back home. As soon as that light turned green he blared his horn at me so I peeled out with as much force as my car could give and fishtailed up the on ramp. I slowed enough to where he would get into the lane next to me and got behind him proceeding to blare my horn for 10 seconds. I followed him for five minutes incessantly honking my horn then I sped up and got into the lane next to him honking my horn and then pointing at it screaming,
"Oh you have a horn you're fucking great huh?!" as if he could hear me......he smiled a knowing smile and I sped off. Still in a rage, I sped up the highway nearing closer and closer to my exit shoving fries down my gullet despite the fact that I couldn't taste them nor did I even want them (keep in mind he doesn't know about my fast food stop so he knows nothing of the fries either). I noticed the sign that said my exit was 2 miles ahead so I tried for 2 miles to get over two lanes but nothing was working. Every time I tried to change lanes somebody two cars ahead of me would get into the lane I wanted in therefore closing my gap. I had my turn signal on indicating that I wanted to get over a lane but it seemed to have been lost on everybody on the highway as I find people just don't give a rats ass anymore. Still filled with rage from the day I jerked my wheel back and forth shaking the car within the lane. Then I decided Maybe I will just ram this other car in this other lane out of my way.So I swerved hard to the right of me nearly missing the poor little white target....I wasn't really going to hit the car otherwise I would not be writing this now, it was more of a "Please let me the hell in" gesture. That was the end of what I told him but not the end of what happened...although close.
Nobody around me honked or did anything to make it apparent that they know that I am nucking futs. Finally there was an opening right at exit so I swerved two lanes to the right and drove my crazy ass home. Arriving in the parking lot I violently shook the wheel somewhat hoping it would just pop off. Then i just sat there for what seemed like forever but was really only five minutes. I grabbed a few things, threw them in my purse and then purse handles in hand bashed the dashboard with it. Were it not made of mesh it would have busted and the contents spilled out further crapping on my day or it would have made a dent in the dashboard. I got out of the car and hobbled up the street to the house and went in to be greeted by Richard (soon to be mother-in-law's boyfriend of 17 yrs) announcing that they (finacee and mum as I like to call her) were on their way home. I didn't care to wait for them so I went upstairs and went to sleep. Now we have come back to "Yesterday afternoon" blah blah blah so the story continues here:
I spied my mail hoping it was the missing food stamp card I was waiting for...it wasn't. I tossed the mail aside with a grunt. I grabbed my unopened smokes and headed to the bedroom door, turned to face him and asked "Are you coming?" as he usually comes downstairs outside to smoke with me. He stared at me blankly. I repeated but in a more irritated manner "Are you going to come with me or are you just going to sit there?" I didn't wait for a response I just went downstairs and lit a smoke. When I was almost done he appeared next to me. I thought about having another just to be out there with him but I muttered to myself about not wanting one and went back inside leaving him out there after I had asked him to come with me. I laid back down in bed and soon after he came back upstairs.
It should have been "Thanks for bringing me fries" but instead the thought wasWhere the hell is my Shamrock Shake? What actually came out of my mouth was "How old are those fries?"....they were four hours old. Sure I could have heated them up and covered them with ketchup...but I didn't. I asked my fiancee to taste one and tell me if they were nasty. He ate one and shook his head no so I chose the softest one and popped it in my mouth only to discover it was disgusting. With a grunt I spat it into my hand and said "No fucking way I am NOT eating those" and there they sat for another fur hours as I passed back into sleep. I woke to his mother bringing him a plate of cheese pizza and watched as she cut the already sliced slices into bits as if he were a two year old child. I should have unsterstood why she was doing this for him; he has had a stroke and can only use his left arm and leg, cannot say but a few words and cannot bite down on things as well as you or I can. Yet I didn't because I never cut his food for him in this fashion and I cook half his meals.
TIME OUT: I also understand why she does this and many other things she does for him daily because a mother gets to baby her child until he or she is ten and then you have to deal with adolecense and then adulthood. She has gotten a second chance to baby him because he has had a stroke, as well she lost her youngest child before his stroke. It is very endearing and sweet and shows how much she loves him and how special he is to her. There are many things she no longer needs to do for him as things he could not do when he first had a stroke he can do well now so once again he is becoming an adult.
So as she is chopping his pizza into tiny bits I whispered to him "Why the hell is she doing that??? She doesn't need to!" I had whispered too low so he didn't hear me and I told him I would tell him in a minute. A few minutes later after she had left and gone downstairs I said "Why did she do all of that she doesn't need to?!" to which I received a glare and a confused look at the same time. How one can do this I have no idea but that is exactly what it was. This is yet another instance where I should have just let be be and kept my mouth shut. So I turned over once again and went back to sleep not waking again until this morning.
Yes I realize that I live with my fiancee and his mother and his mother's boyfriend, but you see I can never live alone as much as I would like to. If I were to live alone.....ever.....well until I get the proper help lets hope....during these bouts of psychosis things would be 20 times worse and most likely above all things I would take my own life. So no matter how sordid living arrangements may seem to others, they are necessary to me.
WELCOME TO MY DISEASE: BIPOLAR DISORDER III
I could start at the begining of this but it would take too long. You'll get to know the whole life of my Bipolar Disorder and it's interesting stories eventually but not in order. I've always been out of order.
© Nina Allen
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