MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Severe Anxiety - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Lithium.  Paxil.  Klonopin.

No combination of pills seems to be able to combat my mind's self destruct mode: anxiety attack.

The racing thoughts that chatter themselves in circles cannot be silenced.  Well, they can, but only I have the power to do so.  So how does one do such a thing when they don't know how?
I sold my car in an act to be able to take care of myself for a few months while I awaited the state's decision on my disability claim.  That is probably one of the only responsible things I have done in my "adult" life, but that's besides the point.  I have now  been denied by the state and have the option to appeal.  I also have the option to be "employed" by the state as my fiancee's personal assistant.  At the advice of my doctor and my own notion, I decided to commission his mom to call the department who arranges such a deal.  She said she would call tomorrow...TWO WEEKS AGO.

Now I am running out of money.  The bulk of what my fiancee gets from disability is sucked away by his mother's boyfriend for bills leaving my fiancee with $70 a month to himself.  He and I both suspect his mother's boyfriend is taking more than necessary one way or another.  Personally I feel that as her boyfriend receives more money from disability than my fiancee and she herself receives unemployment, my fiancee is getting the shaft here.  Had I any income to contribute I would, but I don't, and again that's besides the point.
I'm in freak out mode.  I am OBSESSIVELY thinking about my own finances and how I could possibly get more money.

To add to this anxiety she never added me to her car insurance policy, so once I cancel mine my license gets suspended (long story).  The dose of Klonopins I have is not strong enough.  It does nothing when I get like this and I fear I may have a meltdown.  I'm starting to think I should have checked myself into a psych unit after being denied disability.  I truly do not know how to deal with things and take are of my disorder.  The thoughts you read here in my other entries may be coherent and fluid, but the violent storms that go on in my head are different.  They are so horrible I can't even describe them to anyone.

I want to scream as loud as I possibly can.  I want to yell out for help.  Many days I fear I will never NEVER get the proper help I need.  If the healing slashes on my arm don't announce loud enough that something is wrong then I don't know what does.
I want disability or the state pay because I WANT TO GET THE HELP I NEED FOR I AM DROWNING MYSELF.

© Nina Allen
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Location: Bolingbrook, IL, USA

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