When you start the day out wrong, everything else goes wrong. At least it seems like everything else goes wrong because you’re already in a stressful mindset.
I’ve been stressed out all week anyway because my step-son’s mother is playing a game with my fiancée and Mum and using my step-son as a pawn. To put it short, my step-son’s mother hates me and wants for him to have nothing to do with me. She picks small things to get mad at him for and then blames them on me. She even claimed that I threatened her and said she was a bad mother when I wrote her to say that if she had a problem with me to come here and we could sort it out. I may have only known my step-son for 8 months but I have grown very attached to him and he told me that he considers me to be a mother to him. So I am stressed and saddened over this whole ordeal and things seemed to be very bad Tuesday evening. He called to tell Mum everything that has been going on and that he wants to come see us because he misses us. He told me that she said she wants him not to have anything to do with me period. You see I had posted pictures of an outing of him, my fiancée and I to Facebook and some of the pictures had him in it. One of the pictures was us together. I tagged the ones with my fiancée in them but did not tag the ones with my step-son in them because she made him remove me from his friends list and I am sure that she wasn’t happy that his profile listed me as his mother. My fiancée tagged the photos of him that are on my page. I said “you watch she’s going to think I tagged those photos and freak out” and she did. My step-son is 16 and can choose to live with us if he wants. Not to mention there is no custody agreement and his mother refusing to let him come over here is illegal. So there is all that.
Yesterday…. Yesterday was bad. For a bit now I have been having cervical issues but do not have the insurance to get it checked to make sure it is not cervical cancer which I am at a high risk for. I started my period two and a half weeks early yesterday. There’s problem one. I have homework that I need to get done for my psychology class at Ashford and the computer kept running uber slow, freezing and crashing, making it so that I barely got any work done and further irritated me. There’s problem two. I had to ship some things from eBay to my buyers and seemed to have gotten charged the same price for everything I shipped despite the fact that all boxes were different sizes and weights. I was charged $46 for 4 boxes. Sadly I did not think to look at the receipt until five minutes later when I was like “hey that’s not right” in the library parking lot and the post office was closed by then (I took a long time in there). That leaves me with only $30 profit from what I sold. I feel there was a mess up and started to worry about money. I plan to call the post office and speak to the post master this morning. That was problem number three.
Now we come to the fourth and final problem of the day. Before Mum and I left the house we told her husband that there are problems with the computer, told him exactly what was going on that we needed him to look at it. The thing is, I know enough about computers to know to maintain them but he made it so that he has a separate profile on the computer I am using right now that is password protected. So I can’t go in and update the things that need to be updated, or cleaned, or de-fragmented because our profile does not have administrator privileges. That in itself is frustrating but he seems to think he is way smarter than everybody else. Mum and I were gone for a few hours and when we got home he hadn’t even touched the computer. Everybody was irritated about that. So he finally comes upstairs and just like I knew he would he’s asking me what things are and I have no idea because he is the one that put them on there. I went downstairs to avoid the frustration and a little while later he came down asking about a game on here and I told him I downloaded it from a site that I buy games from all the time. He said “well that’s causing the problem” which is impossible because I just downloaded it Tuesday and the computer had been acting up for weeks now, which I mentioned that to him two weeks ago and he didn’t do anything about it then either. I’d never had problems with the site I bought games from and Mum knew this so we were both defending me saying that it wasn’t possible because the game in question is new. Then he said to be wary of Facebook, so I turned to my fiancée and said “Okay no more Facebook.”. That’s when Mum’s husband started yelling, and I do mean yelling, at me saying “Fucking listen and quit playing little fucking games!!” Mum instantly came to my defense and told him to quit yelling and that we weren’t going to listen if he was going to yell, so he stomped off in a huff muttering under his breath. So it’s fixed now right??? WRONG. My fiancée turns the computer on and now the internet doesn’t work on it. It’s not the internet itself since it works on the computers downstairs. He came upstairs again to fix it and I started noting all this stuff coming up on the computer that shouldn’t have been because the “computer wizard” screwed things up. After a few more hours of trying to get the internet to work I was convinced that the computer was just plain dead now. I went downstairs again just to avoid this whole thing and told mum what was going on. She, my fiancée and I agreed that I’m getting a laptop with the money that I was saving for Christmas presents and then her husband can’t touch it and screw it up.
Mum’s husband is constantly trying to tell me what to do no matter what the situation is. In a lot of ways he reminds me of my mother, especially when he started screaming at me last night and the words he chose to use. This is not the first time we have had confrontation either. Once I snapped at him for talking to me like I was an imbecile and brow beating me. I must admit though, last night after the screaming I felt overwhelmed by the whole day and shame. I started to cry a little, hiding it as much as I could, and all I could think about was that my mother was right, I am a bad person and a burden. I do know that Mum’s husband thinks I am a nuisance and a burden so I try to avoid him as much as I can just like I did with my mother.
Yesterday helped me realize that it’s the mindset that makes it seem like the whole day is going wrong, one thing after another. If I can remember that and once one unfortunate thing happens remind myself that it’s just one instance and there’s a lot of time ahead of me, I might fair better and have less episodes. The other thing that I learned is that my mother still has power over me even though we no longer speak and she has done more damage than I know of at this point. The more I examine my actions the more evident the damage becomes. I think the Mother Chronicles needs another installation.
© Nina Allen
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