MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Energy Shift - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

The energy was completely negative today.  I have a black mass of bubbling tar inside of me.  I want to explode.  I want to hide in a dark place for weeks.  If I stop talking I feel nobody would notice.  I want to cry until I have no tears left inside of me.  I want to die.


Everybody thinks Bipolar Disorder is just “oh she’s depressed for most of the time and then sometimes she’s really really happy”.  There’s anger, immense internal anguish, physical pain, suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts, extreme fear, hatred of identifiable means, absolute despair….the symptoms never end and never cease to surprise me with their ferocity.  Not to mention acting upon impulses no matter how insane they are without being able to rationally think about what you are doing.

I have run out of necessities, I won’t be able to see my doctor next month, I won’t be able to get my pills which means the crazy that I feel all the time will become more real than anybody is able to deal with.  The state medical system is horrid.  I am not pregnant nor am I disabled therefore I cannot receive state medical assistance.  Yet I am mentally ill and cannot work or afford medical insurance.  If I am not to take my pills I can harm others and or myself but that’s just fine by the state because I am not pregnant when I do so.   The horrid thing is I already hate people extremely; I want to beat stupid people senseless, I even have dreams about it and sometimes daydreams.  When situations come up I later think about how I could have physically harmed that person or persons.  I want to scream obscene and horrifically violent things at people until their eyes bleed.

I’d like to be committed please.
I’d like people to understand.
I’d like people to help when I can’t help myself.

Andrew’s money magically disappeared so he can’t get anything he needs nor can I.  No party cares to help and buy some small things I need.  In fact his step-father had the nerve to ask me how much money I have on my link card because they might need it.  IT IS MINE AND ANDREW’S MONEY FOR FOOD BECAUSE WE EAT SEPARATE FROM THEM AND HAPPEN TO EAT A DIFFERENT DIET AS WE ARE VEGETARIANS SO NO YOU CAN’T USE MY DAMN FOOD STAMPS WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN BUY ME RAZORS WITH ANDREW’S MONEY THAT YOU ARE HOARDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s being cheated and he can’t do anything about it.  When I get the means to I am saving every dime and we are moving out of state.   Then I am to be interrogated about some of her pills that she is short on.

There’s the other ugly side of how people treat those with Bipolar Disorder: we are all criminals in the eyes of those who do not understand.  Cuff me and haul me to jail since I am to be put on trial anytime something goes wrong.  This is not the first time this has happened in this house or period.

Powers of the universe please take me away.

© Nina Allen
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Location: Bolingbrook, IL, USA

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