MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Bipolar Diaries pt. 13 - Anxiety, Party of One - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

I can’t sleep.  I slept two hours after taking my Lithium, Paxil, and three vicodin thanks to my migraine.  I layed there thinking about all the things I need to get done and what not.  I finally fell asleep and then woke up at 1am wide awake.  Here I now sit writing.


I am also very paranoid after what my fiancee had done so I do not trust him and find myself invading his privacy or trying to see what he is saying when he is chatting with people….or I should say girls.

I’m worried about school because I have to buy books and do not have the money for them.  I’m supposed to be getting a refund check because FAFSA always pays too much and I was hoping to buy my books with that and put half away for the wedding….

I worried about not having money and how I might go about getting it.  I’m rather uncomfortable with the fact that my fiancee’s mother’s boyfriend is making me quit smoking.  That alone is going to make me freak out as I have tried to quit many times before and it just makes me intolerable; nobody will want to be around me.  Nicotine is like my crack.....I'm a wild fiend without it.

When do good things happen?  Is my karma that messed up that I will never be able to be “right” again?  I reapplied for disability this time using a firm with a 98% success rate but I hate that the process takes so long.  I need a doctor now.  I need better meds now.  I need sanity now.

I’ve also been thinking non stop about the fact that we will not have enough money on our link card for the food we eat as we are Vegans and our food costs more than what most others eat.

I hate worrying.  It’s no wonder my doctor put that I have obsessive compulsive disorders at the bottom of my charts.  We had a conversation last time I was there and I confessed that I don’t care what happens to me.  Sometimes I pray that I will get cancer.  I told her about how I saw a bumper sticker that was pro-life stating “I notice everyone who is pro-choice has been born”.  That made me think.  I didn’t choose to be born.  I didn’t choose my parents or the life I had to grow up with having to raise myself and be abused by my mother.  I most certainly did not choose to have Bipolar Disorder.  It was given to me like an ill fitting jigsaw puzzle and I still sit here with it strewn about me.

And I might add that I am sick of people thinking they know the damn cure to what my problems are.  I'm not just depressed I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. "you don't need anything but a relationship with happiness. When you find your happiness and begin to look forward to being with it, your attitude towards everything else will change. A lot of people have reinforced your dependence on drugs and that only slows down your anxieties but when you have found what it is that will make you continuously smile, all your acts of depression will cease to exist." I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way.

© Nina Allen
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Location: Bolingbrook, IL, USA

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