MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

I Crashed and Saw Jesus

After a hypomanic episode I usually crash hard...and I did.  I have been taking my meds properly but every couple of months I will have a hypomanic episode and then crash like a speeding car.  I slept for three days straight.  I had gotten up early Friday morning because I was supposed to volunteer to box and wrap toys for people in town who couldn’t afford to buy toys for their kids and then I had a doctor’s appointment at 11:30, or so I thought.  I was so tired that no amount of coffee and caffeine pills could help me stay awake, so I decided not to go help the toy people (yeah I’m an asshole who’s selfish) and I rescheduled my appointment only to find out I actually didn’t have one that day so I went to take a nap.  My nap turned into an all-day sleep.  I woke up at 12:30 at night/morning and when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw, instead of the ceiling fan, was a gigantic crucifix with Jesus on it like the kind in a church.  It wasn’t a split second vision it was there for a few minutes and then it finally faded away and there was our ceiling fan.

Now I have to explain that I always have really messed up dreams.  I’ve had them since I was little and they used to freak me out but over the years I have gotten used to them.  They are technically night terrors.  Sometimes I remember them, but it’s usually when they are particularly fucked up that it resonates with me and makes me feel weird all day.  I don’t remember what I was dreaming about the night that I woke up and saw Jesus, but I saw as hell wish I did.  I went back to sleep around 5am thinking I would just get up with Jake when the alarm went off for him to get up with Leo…..I didn’t.  I slept until 4pm.

When I woke up I started crying and I had no idea why.  I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came out Jake was standing in the kitchen and Leo was on the stairs (he was waiting for me to comment on his new haircut he got that day).  Jake asked me if I needed anything and I said I was thirsty and he offered to go get me a soda and I started to cry and said he didn’t have to.  He grabbed me and held me and I kept crying and said I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I know now that it was from my giant crash but at the time I couldn’t stop myself and I didn’t understand.  I went back to the bedroom because I didn’t want Leo to see me crying because he wouldn’t understand.  When Jake came back I told him about the Jesus thing and he said that was strange and suggested that maybe he was trying to tell me something.  So what could Jesus possibly be trying to tell me?

Eventually I came out of my funk and was fine…except for Jesus.  I can’t stop thinking about that.
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Location: Dwight, IL 60420, USA

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