When I went to have my review from a psychologist for my disability claim, I was informed that my doctor had documented in my records that I have OCD. This came as a shock to me as I am not what I picture OCD to be. My brother is far closer to exhibiting OCD-like behavior than I thought I do. His psychiatrist even told him he had "OCD tendencies"...we just call him "anal retentive" and he agrees.
It was two weeks ago that I went for my review but the other day I found myself thinking about that. My fiancee and I were supposed to go to the mall so we could get me a new "temporary ring" that doesn't make my skin turn green but before we could take the car Mum, as I have found myself calling Andrew's mother, had to run an errand. OK no big deal I still had to finish getting ready anyway. Three hours later I was having my own little shit fit because she wasn't home yet. It could have been worse, I could have had a fit when she left considering I know that when she runs an "errand" she ends up getting side tracked by all the things in the stores or different places she should go while she is out. So there I am outside smoking a cigarette with Andrew when my mind wandered to that specific comment in the interview and it hit me...there ARE certain things that I do that are a little compulsively obsessive. I wouldn't freak out so much and have to take klonopins if I didn't pre-arrange the entire day in my head. Even when I have nothing specific to do that day my mind arranges it so that in a manner I do. So then when the plan fails I freak and in come the klonopins to the rescue. I plan every minute of my day. I make lists of things to do....lots of them. When I used to clean at the ex's place I would find so many papers that were nothing but my lists. I don't just make lists of things to do - I make them out to minute detail. I make lists even for when I am on the internet of websites that I need to go to and then challenge myself to make it to all of them within the amount of time that I am on the computer. Then I cross off the ones I have gone to, turn the page and make a new list.
I calculate and pick every action, every scene, every reaction, every what if, every consequence to any given thing every day. It's sick really.
On a somewhat related note I ended up filing a complaint against the old fart who "reviewed" me. First problem: we never even addressed the issue of my disorder which was why I was there. What he did was ask me questions that are related to people with Dementia. Second problem: when he asked me about my meds I told him that I have to take two klonopin sometimes because I'm so worked up and I seem to be building up a tolerance to them to which he told me was straight up drug abuse. I do not see how I am abusing them if I am trying to make sure that I am safe and calm and that I don't hurt anybody or myself. Then when I said something about the lithium making me rather tired during the day he said it was all in my head that I subconsciously thought myself tired as lithium is a salt pill......uh no it isn't and it says in the information papers you get from the pharmacist, the side of the bottle, and was told by the pharmacist herself as she is required to warn me about this fact IT MAKES YOU DROWSY. The third and final problem was the kicker: when asked about the last time I worked I happened to mention that I was going through a manic period that happened to last a year and he said "they would haul people to the funny farm for that"....which I did not find funny. Nor did I find his choice of words professional. I was actually somewhat offended considering the fact that I have been in a state facilitated mental institution. I bear some horrid memories from that place and would like never to return there (although I can't due to the fact that it closed shortly after I was discharged from there) or any other place like it.
Between the psychologist and waiting to hear about my claim I've become even more stressed than normal. Last night I dreamed that I was sitting with my doctor and she told me that the results of his review came back and he claimed that I was not Bipolar I was faking it and that I need to get checked out by a psychiatrist to see what my real problem is.
© Nina Allen
I calculate and pick every action, every scene, every reaction, every what if, every consequence to any given thing every day. It's sick really.
On a somewhat related note I ended up filing a complaint against the old fart who "reviewed" me. First problem: we never even addressed the issue of my disorder which was why I was there. What he did was ask me questions that are related to people with Dementia. Second problem: when he asked me about my meds I told him that I have to take two klonopin sometimes because I'm so worked up and I seem to be building up a tolerance to them to which he told me was straight up drug abuse. I do not see how I am abusing them if I am trying to make sure that I am safe and calm and that I don't hurt anybody or myself. Then when I said something about the lithium making me rather tired during the day he said it was all in my head that I subconsciously thought myself tired as lithium is a salt pill......uh no it isn't and it says in the information papers you get from the pharmacist, the side of the bottle, and was told by the pharmacist herself as she is required to warn me about this fact IT MAKES YOU DROWSY. The third and final problem was the kicker: when asked about the last time I worked I happened to mention that I was going through a manic period that happened to last a year and he said "they would haul people to the funny farm for that"....which I did not find funny. Nor did I find his choice of words professional. I was actually somewhat offended considering the fact that I have been in a state facilitated mental institution. I bear some horrid memories from that place and would like never to return there (although I can't due to the fact that it closed shortly after I was discharged from there) or any other place like it.
Between the psychologist and waiting to hear about my claim I've become even more stressed than normal. Last night I dreamed that I was sitting with my doctor and she told me that the results of his review came back and he claimed that I was not Bipolar I was faking it and that I need to get checked out by a psychiatrist to see what my real problem is.
© Nina Allen
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