Bipolar Diaries pt. 13 - Anxiety, Party of One - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

I can’t sleep.  I slept two hours after taking my Lithium, Paxil, and three vicodin thanks to my migraine.  I layed there thinking about all the things I need to get done and what not.  I finally fell asleep and then woke up at 1am wide awake.  Here I now sit writing.

I am also very paranoid after what my fiancee had done so I do not trust him and find myself invading his privacy or trying to see what he is saying when he is chatting with people….or I should say girls.

I’m worried about school because I have to buy books and do not have the money for them.  I’m supposed to be getting a refund check because FAFSA always pays too much and I was hoping to buy my books with that and put half away for the wedding….

I worried about not having money and how I might go about getting it.  I’m rather uncomfortable with the fact that my fiancee’s mother’s boyfriend is making me quit smoking.  That alone is going to make me freak out as I have tried to quit many times before and it just makes me intolerable; nobody will want to be around me.  Nicotine is like my crack.....I'm a wild fiend without it.

When do good things happen?  Is my karma that messed up that I will never be able to be “right” again?  I reapplied for disability this time using a firm with a 98% success rate but I hate that the process takes so long.  I need a doctor now.  I need better meds now.  I need sanity now.

I’ve also been thinking non stop about the fact that we will not have enough money on our link card for the food we eat as we are Vegans and our food costs more than what most others eat.

I hate worrying.  It’s no wonder my doctor put that I have obsessive compulsive disorders at the bottom of my charts.  We had a conversation last time I was there and I confessed that I don’t care what happens to me.  Sometimes I pray that I will get cancer.  I told her about how I saw a bumper sticker that was pro-life stating “I notice everyone who is pro-choice has been born”.  That made me think.  I didn’t choose to be born.  I didn’t choose my parents or the life I had to grow up with having to raise myself and be abused by my mother.  I most certainly did not choose to have Bipolar Disorder.  It was given to me like an ill fitting jigsaw puzzle and I still sit here with it strewn about me.

And I might add that I am sick of people thinking they know the damn cure to what my problems are.  I'm not just depressed I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. "you don't need anything but a relationship with happiness. When you find your happiness and begin to look forward to being with it, your attitude towards everything else will change. A lot of people have reinforced your dependence on drugs and that only slows down your anxieties but when you have found what it is that will make you continuously smile, all your acts of depression will cease to exist." I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way.

© Nina Allen

Bipolar Diaries pt. 12 - A Day to Remember - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Today was a day to remember for a long time.  I woke up out of smokes.  This doesn’t make for a good start.  On top of that I was out of  Klonopin as the pharmacy only had enough for a couple days so it wasn’t like I could take them to calm down about the fact that I was having a severe nicotine fit.  I know it’s hard for people to go without cigarettes period, but for me it’s horrendous.

We were supposed to go to Wal-Mart  to get the rest of my meds and snacks for Andrew’s daughter as she is staying the night.  I waited hours and got so agitated I started walking.  I got a quarter of a mile away from the house when I gave up and just didn’t want to go.  So I turned around and started walking back when Nancy pulled up next to me and demanded I get into the car.  I didn’t want to go so I refused…but she made me.  So I sulked and brooded the whole way there.  When we pulled into a spot I refused to get out of the car which at this point she leaned in and told me I was child.  I said I didn’t want her paying for anything of mine because they always talk about how they don’t have any money.  She said she’s not giving me money she’s buying my pills and then I in turn am going to buy food with my link card….I misunderstood how she meant this comment but didn’t realize this until later.  She took my purse and left into Wal-Mart.  I became more angry and stomped through Wal-Mart to try and find her.  She was in line at the pharmacy counter and asked when my birth date was, I shrugged and left off with my purse.

I walked three miles home.  I told Andrew what happened and what I did and said.  When Nancy got home she didn’t come upstairs; I figured she would to yell at me.  She didn’t so I took matters into my own hands.  I found her downstairs and tried to hand her my link card expressing my disdain for that fact that two days earlier I told her I barely had enough money on the card to take care of mine and Andrew’s food needs.  I thrust the card at her along with my pin number and told her if that is what she wanted then here it is: take it.  I said that I had been having an episode of anger that I could not control, I did not want to go to Wal-Mart but she had forced me.  She called me a child which is not going to snap me out of it, it is only going to piss me off.  She said good it should piss you off.  She said there are many things she doesn’t want to do and she experienced the same things I do when she was my age.  I told her there is a difference between her and I because of my disorder and sometimes I can’t control it.  I said that she had never seen the other side of my disorder well this is it right here today.  This was not a nice conversation; I was livid and yelling.  She told me not to raise my voice to her and this is her house.  I felt like I was allowed to be angry at everybody else but not her.  It almost felt like my mother all over again.  I exclaimed that she obviously does not understand my disorder after all the books that I had rented for her (she must not have ever read them).  Other things were said that I cannot remember, but I do remember right before I walked upstairs she said this is my house so I said then I’ll f*cking leave!

I went upstairs and called Andrew into the bathroom so I cold talk to him alone and told him the whole conversation.  I also told him that I was going to leave because I felt like this was my mother all over again telling me that it’s not my disorder it’s just plain being a female.

After about 40 minutes I had him buzz her upstairs while Andrew’s daughter was downstairs eating.  At first I wanted to ask whether I should pack my things and leave before or after his daughter left.  By the time she came upstairs I apologized for raising my voice and was sorry for having an episode around his daughter but it’s something that is very hard for me to control.  She then apologized for saying things that had hurt me and now all is well.

This is something I NEVER would have gotten from my mother as she never apologized for anything because everything was ALWAYS my fault.

© Nina Allen

Omittance for my Own Safety and Avoiding Backlash and Family Issues

I have quite a few bits on what I called "The Mother Chronicles", but the last website I posted them on my family found them and got very mad.....despite the fact that what I wrote was completely true.  So quite a bit of that part of the book will be skipped.  If you'd like to read them, contact me here, email me, or get a hold of me on Facebook and I will send them to you.....they are rather interesting after all ;)

Energy Shift - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

The energy was completely negative today.  I have a black mass of bubbling tar inside of me.  I want to explode.  I want to hide in a dark place for weeks.  If I stop talking I feel nobody would notice.  I want to cry until I have no tears left inside of me.  I want to die.

Everybody thinks Bipolar Disorder is just “oh she’s depressed for most of the time and then sometimes she’s really really happy”.  There’s anger, immense internal anguish, physical pain, suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts, extreme fear, hatred of identifiable means, absolute despair….the symptoms never end and never cease to surprise me with their ferocity.  Not to mention acting upon impulses no matter how insane they are without being able to rationally think about what you are doing.

I have run out of necessities, I won’t be able to see my doctor next month, I won’t be able to get my pills which means the crazy that I feel all the time will become more real than anybody is able to deal with.  The state medical system is horrid.  I am not pregnant nor am I disabled therefore I cannot receive state medical assistance.  Yet I am mentally ill and cannot work or afford medical insurance.  If I am not to take my pills I can harm others and or myself but that’s just fine by the state because I am not pregnant when I do so.   The horrid thing is I already hate people extremely; I want to beat stupid people senseless, I even have dreams about it and sometimes daydreams.  When situations come up I later think about how I could have physically harmed that person or persons.  I want to scream obscene and horrifically violent things at people until their eyes bleed.

I’d like to be committed please.
I’d like people to understand.
I’d like people to help when I can’t help myself.

Andrew’s money magically disappeared so he can’t get anything he needs nor can I.  No party cares to help and buy some small things I need.  In fact his step-father had the nerve to ask me how much money I have on my link card because they might need it.  IT IS MINE AND ANDREW’S MONEY FOR FOOD BECAUSE WE EAT SEPARATE FROM THEM AND HAPPEN TO EAT A DIFFERENT DIET AS WE ARE VEGETARIANS SO NO YOU CAN’T USE MY DAMN FOOD STAMPS WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN BUY ME RAZORS WITH ANDREW’S MONEY THAT YOU ARE HOARDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s being cheated and he can’t do anything about it.  When I get the means to I am saving every dime and we are moving out of state.   Then I am to be interrogated about some of her pills that she is short on.

There’s the other ugly side of how people treat those with Bipolar Disorder: we are all criminals in the eyes of those who do not understand.  Cuff me and haul me to jail since I am to be put on trial anytime something goes wrong.  This is not the first time this has happened in this house or period.

Powers of the universe please take me away.

© Nina Allen

Birthdays and Fits - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS TWO WEEKS AGO BUT NEVER GOT AROUND TO POSTING IT.....YOU'LL SEE WHY LATER IN THE POST.

It started out as a good week.  The 15th was my birthday, I went to the doctor the day before and got a refill on my prescription for my anxiety meds THANK GOD.  The day of my birthday I didn’t do much, I didn’t go out partying like I normally do, but I did make sure that I was to be seen.  I got all dressed up in the dress I bought just for my birthday, my tiara, my new necklace from Andrew, my “Kiss Me it’s My Birthday” button, and my velvet lace up cuffs that had purple satin on the ends and black feathers over the sides.  All I did was go shopping for a few things here and there at a few different stores in town haha.

I felt like a star for the day.  Every place I went to people would notice the tiara and comment on it and then I would tell them it’s my birthday and of course ensued the birthday wishes, or people would notice the button and wish me happy birthday.  The highlight of my day is when I went to the dollar store.  I got out of the car and there was a group of four guys standing near the shop.  One of them nodded at me so I nodded back.  Then he waved so I waved back.  So of course as I was walking towards the doors I gave a sexy saunter.  I guess they must have come in to the store soon after me because the guy who waved ran into me in one of the aisles and started chatting me up.  There was flirting and what not.  I told him I was engaged but that didn’t stop either of us.  It was fun.

The next day I spent at my grandmother’s house where Andrew fell in love with her dog Tessa a Lhasa Apso/Poodle mix, a.k.a. LhasaPoo.  I told her about the engagement and she was happy.  I took photos of her gorgeous flowers, Andrew managed to capture photos of a Hummingbird and a Cardinal in the backyard, he took photos of Tessa as well.  I got the traditional birthday cash and a book that Grandma had bought but never read.  I was rather excited about this as I collect books of an educational manner.

Then there was Saturday.  It started well but ended in a craptastic way.  I was excited all day about going shopping with Andrew’s mother at this giant goodwill in the next town over.  I found lots of great clothes and books ( Hello Vera Wang for $4.99 ) and I got 25% off of everything since Goodwill sends me a “birthday card” with a discount coupon on it.  The book section is where things got ugly.   People started crowding me and suddenly I could hear every clang and every child in the store.  I wanted to scream out and run, but instead I covered my ears, crouched to the floor, and pretended that I was looking at books when I was really trying to keep myself from hyperventilating.  I ended up being rude to a customer again, what is it with thrift store that makes me angry?  I was trying to get to the other side of the book shelf, but this woman had her cart sideways and was standing between me and the cart.  I said excuse me but she ignored me.  Then a man behind me said “excuse me” to which I could not help but quip “I’d excuse you if I could excuse myself!”  Finally I had enough and we checked out and headed home.

When we got home Andrew’s mother’s boyfriend kept going on about how long we were gone.  I had to bite my tongue this time, but I wanted to snip “What difference does it make how long we were gone?  We were gone and now we are back.  Tada!”.  So I dropped off the bags and then left to go to the dollar store to pick up some things I forgot the other day.  I’m making a right turn at a green light when these hillbillies turning from the left cut me off.  So I flipped them off.  Then they decided to slam on the brakes in front of me right near the intersection on a very busy road.  So I punched the gas and went around them again flipping them off.  I come to the next stop light which is red and when he drives past me again I flip him off and he screams out the window “What the fuck is your problem?!” to which I retorted, or screamed rather, “You Fucking cut me off and you don’t know how to drive!!”.

I do my thing and then go home.  Andrew’s mom asked if I got everything I needed and I said “Yeah all except mosquito stuff”.  Her boyfriend thinks he knows everything and everybody else is stupid so here was a chance for him to do so to me.  I had a mini snap on him; it was more or less just a rude reply.

I couldn’t make dinner for me and Andrew since every burner was being used and there is barely any counter space.  I couldn’t use the computer and hadn’t been able to do so in days as Andrew is either always using in or sitting in the chair in front of it.  The day started good and then turned bad which made me want to flop on the bed and throw a fit like a five year old.  I’ve been taking my pills like clockwork so I have no idea why I feel like schitzo/bipolar/crack head cunt.

© Nina Allen

A Very Lonely Birthday - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Sometimes I have mixed symptoms, meaning that whether I am going through a manic phase or I am in a depressive phase I exhibit elements of both.  Which means that my irrationality and lack of self control is always present.  I do things without thinking about it until it’s far too late to stop myself.  Sometimes it feels like a completely different person emerging and doing stupid, dangerous, life threatening or illegal things.  This is mostly because I am not on the right medication.

Due to my stupidity I basically lost most of my family save for my brother and grandmother.  Andrew told me that he has done worse things than I, yet his family has not abandoned him.  This made me realize that it’s possible for family to love you without caring about you.  I have no friends where I live now and really don’t have much of a way of meeting anybody.  Out here I just have Andrew, his mom and my grandmother.

My birthday is next week and I feel so alone.  Normally I buy myself a dress specifically for the occasion along with accessories which most times included a tiara.  Then I’d go to the bar and lots of my friends would show up.  I’d get presents and drinks.  One year I decided to bring two disposable cameras with, one for me and one for the bar for people to take pics of whatever they felt like.  That was definitely interesting.  My birthdays over the last six years have been great fun.  This year…..I feel so alone.

I can’t wait to see how depressed Christmas will make me.

© Nina Allen

Severe Anxiety - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Lithium.  Paxil.  Klonopin.

No combination of pills seems to be able to combat my mind's self destruct mode: anxiety attack.

The racing thoughts that chatter themselves in circles cannot be silenced.  Well, they can, but only I have the power to do so.  So how does one do such a thing when they don't know how?
I sold my car in an act to be able to take care of myself for a few months while I awaited the state's decision on my disability claim.  That is probably one of the only responsible things I have done in my "adult" life, but that's besides the point.  I have now  been denied by the state and have the option to appeal.  I also have the option to be "employed" by the state as my fiancee's personal assistant.  At the advice of my doctor and my own notion, I decided to commission his mom to call the department who arranges such a deal.  She said she would call tomorrow...TWO WEEKS AGO.

Now I am running out of money.  The bulk of what my fiancee gets from disability is sucked away by his mother's boyfriend for bills leaving my fiancee with $70 a month to himself.  He and I both suspect his mother's boyfriend is taking more than necessary one way or another.  Personally I feel that as her boyfriend receives more money from disability than my fiancee and she herself receives unemployment, my fiancee is getting the shaft here.  Had I any income to contribute I would, but I don't, and again that's besides the point.
I'm in freak out mode.  I am OBSESSIVELY thinking about my own finances and how I could possibly get more money.

To add to this anxiety she never added me to her car insurance policy, so once I cancel mine my license gets suspended (long story).  The dose of Klonopins I have is not strong enough.  It does nothing when I get like this and I fear I may have a meltdown.  I'm starting to think I should have checked myself into a psych unit after being denied disability.  I truly do not know how to deal with things and take are of my disorder.  The thoughts you read here in my other entries may be coherent and fluid, but the violent storms that go on in my head are different.  They are so horrible I can't even describe them to anyone.

I want to scream as loud as I possibly can.  I want to yell out for help.  Many days I fear I will never NEVER get the proper help I need.  If the healing slashes on my arm don't announce loud enough that something is wrong then I don't know what does.
I want disability or the state pay because I WANT TO GET THE HELP I NEED FOR I AM DROWNING MYSELF.

© Nina Allen