Today was a day to remember for a long time. I woke up out of smokes. This doesn’t make for a good start. On top of that I was out of Klonopin as the pharmacy only had enough for a couple days so it wasn’t like I could take them to calm down about the fact that I was having a severe nicotine fit. I know it’s hard for people to go without cigarettes period, but for me it’s horrendous.
We were supposed to go to Wal-Mart to get the rest of my meds and snacks for Andrew’s daughter as she is staying the night. I waited hours and got so agitated I started walking. I got a quarter of a mile away from the house when I gave up and just didn’t want to go. So I turned around and started walking back when Nancy pulled up next to me and demanded I get into the car. I didn’t want to go so I refused…but she made me. So I sulked and brooded the whole way there. When we pulled into a spot I refused to get out of the car which at this point she leaned in and told me I was child. I said I didn’t want her paying for anything of mine because they always talk about how they don’t have any money. She said she’s not giving me money she’s buying my pills and then I in turn am going to buy food with my link card….I misunderstood how she meant this comment but didn’t realize this until later. She took my purse and left into Wal-Mart. I became more angry and stomped through Wal-Mart to try and find her. She was in line at the
I walked three miles home. I told Andrew what happened and what I did and said. When Nancy got home she didn’t come upstairs; I figured she would to yell at me. She didn’t so I took matters into my own hands. I found her downstairs and tried to hand her my link card expressing my disdain for that fact that two days earlier I told her I barely had enough money on the card to take care of mine and Andrew’s food needs. I thrust the card at her along with my pin number and told her if that is what she wanted then here it is: take it. I said that I had been having an episode of anger that I could not control, I did not want to go to Wal-Mart but she had forced me. She called me a child which is not going to snap me out of it, it is only going to piss me off. She said good it should piss you off. She said there are many things she doesn’t want to do and she experienced the same things I do when she was my age. I told her there is a difference between her and I because of my disorder and sometimes I can’t control it. I said that she had never seen the other side of my disorder well this is it right here today. This was not a nice conversation; I was livid and yelling. She told me not to raise my voice to her and this is her house. I felt like I was allowed to be angry at everybody else but not her. It almost felt like my mother all over again. I exclaimed that she obviously does not understand my disorder after all the books that I had rented for her (she must not have ever read them). Other things were said that I cannot remember, but I do remember right before I walked upstairs she said this is my house so I said then I’ll f*cking leave!
I went upstairs and called Andrew into the bathroom so I cold talk to him alone and told him the whole conversation. I also told him that I was going to leave because I felt like this was my mother all over again telling me that it’s not my disorder it’s just plain being a female.
After about 40 minutes I had him buzz her upstairs while Andrew’s daughter was downstairs eating. At first I wanted to ask whether I should pack my things and leave before or after his daughter left. By the time she came upstairs I apologized for raising my voice and was sorry for having an episode around his daughter but it’s something that is very hard for me to control. She then apologized for saying things that had hurt me and now all is well.
This is something I NEVER would have gotten from my mother as she never apologized for anything because everything was ALWAYS my fault.
© Nina Allen
