Bipolar Disorder Awareness Project Blog: jealousy

MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Scrambled Thoughts and Mood Swings - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Despite the fact that I had so much to write about, given my hard past and the day to day struggles with myself, I couldn't bring myself to do so. I should have. I have a very bad habit of holding everything in and putting on the “pretty” face. What I ended up with was a break down confession of thing I never tell anybody, a waterfall of tears, and so many more thoughts running around in my head. I feel like somebody slipped me speed and I’ve gone crazy.

Let’s back up. I should write no matter what I am feeling. I didn’t write because I didn’t push myself. Then I got sick with food poisoning. Because of this I couldn't take my pills…even if I had they wouldn't have had a chance of staying in my system; I couldn't even stay hydrated. While I was sick the only thing I could think about was being sick. As my body got better my mind began to get sick. Now I had to deal with myself and all my paranoid thoughts. I was watching T.V. but also happened to be watching my fiancee talking to a girl on Facebook and it made me curious what he talks about to other girls. So I asked and he told me he talks about me among other things. Given the nature of how we met, my disorder and the fact that people don’t want to deal with it as well as how I feel abandoned by most the people I have known in my life, I confessed that I was afraid that eventually he would hate me and leave me too. I started bawling and soon all these other feeling I harbor about life in general and my past came pouring out.

Then I felt stupid. Anytime I talk to people about my feelings and especialy if I cry, I feel stupid. I have been conditioned not to cry or show emotion as I was punished for it, and now my mind continues to do the damage my mother started as I don’t know how not to feel that way. He tells me not to be ashamed and not to hold things in as I can talk to him and his mom whenever I need to. The sentiments are fantastic but it is a hard thing for me to do. Not long after I am feeling better but it quickly turns when I notice she is flirting with him. He insists she isn’t but the stupid and obvious remark she made says otherwise. As quick as the snap of fingers I am pissed. I stay this way for the rest of the night and part of the next day. Only when I hear a song on the radio while coming home that day do I realize that I’m being completely stupid. I forget to look at the big picture. Even if she, or any other girl, is flirting with him why should I care? He’s not flirting back and WE’RE ENGAGED HELL-O. Once again I apologize.
I don’t notice the changes in my moods from lack of medication until it is too late, but he notices a lot sooner than I do. My actions during my rapid cycling made me realize how fast and easy it would be for me to go off the deep end without my medication. I really do feel horrid that he has to deal with me sometimes.

© Nina Allen