MISSION

First, I want to say that I have Bipolar Disorder (I was diagnosed at 15 and am currently 29), I have a "duel diagnosis" as I also have PTSD, borderline OCD and Severe Anxiety Disorder, which makes me one of the hardest kinds of patients with Bipolar to treat. I am very passionate about this subject and helping others with this illness. I want to help others and hope they can feel that I understand because I have been there, they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

There is a large stigma surrounding mental illness. Most people, at some point in their life, have either been afflicted with a mental illness (this even includes bouts of atypical depression) or affected by it via someone they know with a mental illness, like friends and family. Unfortunately there is not enough known about mental illness to properly diagnose an individual which leads to misdiagnosed or undiagnosed illnesses. I aim to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and mental illness in general. I aim to educate people about these topics. I aim to raise money to fund research for Bipolar Disorder and other mental illnesses.

I have been writing a book for three years about Bipolar Disorder and what it is like to deal with it on a daily basis. It's in it's final stage now - the editing stage and will be published within the next year to year and a half. I have read many books about my disorder, mostly for my own education but I now use what I have learned in the informative aspect of my book. From the books I have read, I decided to write my book from the first person perspective because of all the books that I read (and I have read a lot), only three were written by a person suffering with the illness. I felt alone and that everything was so clinical until the first book I read by a person who has my illness. I want to help others with my book through information and my own personal experiences, demons and battles with the illness.

I am afflicted and I fight to educate! I fight to help others know that they are not alone! I will share news, educate, updates on myself and my endeavors and invite you to share as much as you like as well. Let's Raise Awareness!!

I currently have a fundraiser page for NAMI at crowdrise, another for lindnercenterofhope.org at youcaring and will soon have a page/site for my own nonprofit organization where all money raised will go towards research for Bipolar Disorder alone as well as awareness materials and presentations. I will also soon be creating shirts and other items to raise money for Lindner Center of Hope and to help fund making the nonprofit official.

Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Promiscuous Disorder - Brain Error: Record Skips - UNEDITED VERSION (pre-novel editing so you get the raw deal) - Originally written in November 2010

Sitting in the passenger side of a car this morning, I found myself eyeing the man in a long black truck next to me. He was caressing his tan shaven head. I noticed his fingers having always had a fetish for manly hands and thought they were sexy. I noticed he had rather strong arms and then I caught a glimpse of his profile. Perfect chiseled jaw line, a long rounded perfect nose although I couldn't see his eyes for the sunglasses. Yet, I liked what I saw. A lot. I thought to myselfMMMM I would do him, I would do him good. I imagined kissing another man's lips and sliding my tongue into his mouth, his into mine with the urgency of our libido's crashing into each other.


Oh god what am I doing?! I'm engaged and I'm fantasizing about the man in the truck next to me and I cannot bring myself to stop staring at him.This is where it starts. I have cheated on EVERY boyfriend I have ever had no matter how committed we are or aren't. I must bring this to a stop for I dare not hurt what I have.

After the thoughts of the random man in the black truck I found myself thinking of my most recent ex...because I had cheated on him too and he too I wanted to marry, though nowhere near as much as the one I have now. I thought about how the ex and I are still friends and that he was shocked that I had gotten engaged as if I would burn a candle for him forever. I had for a long time thought that I would love him forever and never find anybody better....but I did find somebody better. I had a conversation in my head with the ex where I proclaimed that I have everything that I had in and more with my fiancee. I don't have to ask for attention for it's lavished
upon me without. I don't have to try to kiss him we can't keep our lips off each other. I don't have to be afraid of his harsh words because I know that will never happen. Nor do I have to fear that I shall come into abuse in any form as I have with the ex and many others before him. Not to mention there is so much love between us that I have cried happy tears for the first time in my life. Tears of love.

I've finally broken the pattern of bad boyfriends who give me nothing but grief and pain whether physical or mental. I finally found what I have been telling myself this whole time that I needed: a man with a heart of gold, intelligence, loves everything about me unabashedly, knows exactly what he likes and wants but is not afraid to let people help him....oh...and he's gorgeous to boot.

Then I started thinking about how I saw that the ex had put up new photos from his vacation and I wanted to see if he aught any good fish plus I wanted to see where he went. So I wandered through the photos and I came across one where the sunlight hit his face so perfect and I remembered how sexy he used to be to me. He had rugged good looks and wonderful dimples when he smiled and laughed. I stared at the picture thinking about what used to be us and how anytime we broke up I would date somebody else but ultimately go back to him. This time after we broke up I swore I didn't even want to be friends with him and we didn't speak for two months. I stared at his picture still....knowing that what we had was over forever but I couldn't help remembering...well....the sex. I turned around and looked at my fiancee sleeping, with his face so innocent and beautiful it killed me. I turned back towards the picture for a brief moment and then turned back towards my sleeping beauty. I grabbed my engagement ring, as I sleep with it off, and put it on as if solidifying that he will not have victory over me again and I went about the rest of my day....

That is until the man in the truck. After thinking about the photos this morning and the conversation I wondered to myself what would happen if I were to be around him for a given amount of time.....would I be tempted?? Even so if I were would I consider it or go through with it? I couldn't. My fiancee's female friends reassure me of how lucky I am and how great a man he is and that if I hurt him in any way my ass is on a platter.

So the problem lies to be that I know I will think like that again given the good looking guy, although I am allowed my fair share of women. I must not act upon visual lust with men and I forbid myself to have any male friends as that is how I found myself in the bed of another all the other times. I MUST BREAK RECORD INTO PIECES.
Recently I read in a few books that I have been reading about Bipolar Disorder that promiscuity is often a problem one with my disorder has.......I have no idea how that ties in there but it seems to fit me too well.

© Nina Allen
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Location: Bolingbrook, IL, USA
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